A lot has happened in our lives since I last posted! We got pregnant, I went through 9 months of pregnancy, and then our little bundle arrived making us the parents of the most precious baby boy! He is already 3 months old. Seriously this life whizzes by like the bees and the wind in the trees. Here is a snippet into what we are up to at the moment.
. . . . . As my husband leaves his Australian homeland and I return to my own USA homeland, we walk into the unknown. I better get packing but do not know how and we leave in 4 days. I feel like a box of puzzle pieces that has been thrown to the floor causing pieces to fly everywhere. I am not finished with you yet Melbourne but we must be on our way. Everything is being left behind. I am reminded that life means change and that we must be able to adapt. Even when we are resisting it. Even when we don’t want to. However, us planning on staying and now picking up and leaving with nothing organized or sorted out has night and day and left and right indistinguishable at best.
I am going to miss the times I didn’t get to spend on the beaches and exploring the region. I will miss the conversations with people I merely became acquainted with and that I really wanted to know deeply. The past 2 years have been hard. Real hard. But that is life.
“The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that’s guaranteed. And I can’t begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself.” —Silver Linings Playbook
I wish I were better at descriptions and explanations. I wish I could have done more and been more and accomplished more lately. I wish I weren’t mentally drained and emotionally as well as physically exhausted all of the time. I wish I could look up at my fridge and see wedding announcements and pictures of fluffy kittens and cute quotes that make you feel all will be okay with the world. Instead all I see are unpaid bills from weeks and months ago that haunt my every thought and take over my mind entirely. We have faced financial disaster time and time again. Many times have we raided our kitchen cupboards and pantry to find things we could return to the store in hopes that the store will take back the items so that we can buy our son a box of formula. A box of formula.
Together Trent and I have battled addictions which have strained our marriage. We have worked tirelessly to mend the unmendable. I have struggled to maintain my faith during this time which has made my spiritual side suffer. We are in a much better place now but there were times when I couldn’t have imagined us getting here. Our love for each other is unconditional. He is the only one I want to hold hands with when my hair is gray and I am aged and weathered from the storms of continual wear and tear.
Because of the high levels of chronic stress my health has not been the best. I have had flare after flare and have just not been myself. My body handled my pregnancy and childbirth well but has not been very good at recovering after it all. I have lost my vibrancy. I wish I could find it. My son’s arrival has in a lot of ways saved me from deep sadness that is oftentimes consuming. He brings me great joy and fills me with happiness – more than I could ever deserve.
When survival and the very act of existing is at the forefront, everything else just fades away. You can’t think straight. You just shut down.
Trent and I both have shut down but we are about to get a restart. The birth of our son has awakened us from our melancholy days. When we get to Utah we will be surrounded by my supportive family and especially my dear mother whom I want to see every possible day until her last on this earth. She is the epitome of everything I would ever want to aspire to and become. The mountains, the summer heat, and the hope of better things to come await us on the other side.