I have always wanted to be a mom. Growing up I had countless dolls with names for each. I even wrote my favorite names on lists throughout the years for my future children. First names AND middle names of course. I loved babysitting. As I am the youngest of 4, I have 10 nieces and nephews that gave me lots of practice.
I thought I would have all of my children by the time I was 30. Well I just turned 28 and am still childless. My biggest fear is not being a mom. My biggest fear IS becoming a mom. I examine my every day and am not quite sure how I would take care of an infant, baby, toddler, child, AHHHHH! Not to even mention the pregnancy itself. I mean, would I be in more pain? Less pain? Would I be in a tolerable situation? Or crisis?
“Oh, I killed an ant today. I felt like a warrior. That’s really all I did. Yep.” And just imagine me on the days I kill 2 ants. Unbelievable. Because of my health trials I can barely scrape by and take care of myself. Let alone another little human, are you kidding me?!?!!? And did I mention I want two kids? TWO. I am completely petrified at the thought that I might have the perfect set up for an unhealthy, sick child. Not to even mention my mental state of going in and out of anxiety and depression. If that even makes sense! Would I even be a half decent mom? I look at my mom and she is the cream of the crop.
And then the questions in my head begin. Oh the very many questions. Would it be fair to my children to have such a neurotic mom? What if they had food allergies? What if they had eczema? How would I cope? How would I not feel responsible for their pain and suffering? How would I even take care of them? What if I couldn’t even get pregnant? What if it took me forever to get pregnant? Could I make myself eat tons of liver during pregnancy so they would stand half a chance? How would we pay…. – Don’t even get me started on the finances!
Which brings about the big discussion. BIG. “Okay so I couldn’t and didn’t have both of my children before age 30. Fiiiiine. I’ll stretch my limit to 35. BUT ONLY 35. Gosh. Life. So now I gotta create a whole new master plan. But wait. Actually I can’t. Because I’ve already scrapped all of my previous master plans. Yeah, remember Brittany? They didn’t pan out. I keep telling you to STOP PLANNING. But??! Yes. Stop. Ok. Until tomorrow.”
Every once in a rare while I feel awakened and I am like yes! I can be a mother! I can do it! Bring on motherhood! And then all of the other days (the majority, sadly) I really just do not see it happening. This is where I believe the Lord God above comes in. I will keep myself prepared for pregnancy as best I know how and I will wait. And I will TRY to be patient. And if there is a window of time where I am feeling better, physically and emotionally, it just might very well be that I will become a mother. And if it is so that I am meant to adopt or to be a mother in the next life, then I will accept that and I will look forward to it with much anticipation. Because I know that one day someone will call me mother. With my husband by my side, together, we will find our way.